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ucmok_peku

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Еженедельные путешествия в мир, который говорит по-английски Humor on the Run (#12)


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Еженедельные путешествия в мир,
который говорит по-английски 		группа независимых переводчиков
Слово - Dело: www.slovo-delo.ru

Humor on the Run (#12)

Добрый день, уважаемые подписчики. Специально для тех, кто недавно подписался на нашу рассылку сообщаю, что в четверг-пятницу мы делаем выпуск, посвящённый исключительно юмору (анекдоты, шутки и т.д.) на английском языке. Не спешите отписываться! По понедельникам выходит настоящий выпуск, посвящённый каким-нибудь проблемам, трудностям и интересностям английского языка. Так что даже если трудно понимать юмор (всё-таки надеюсь, что вы разберётесь), ждите понедельника. А в середине недели мы отдыхаем, наслаждаясь английским юмором или шуткам на английском языке. Сегодня вашему вниманию предлагаю рассказ о неудавшихся ограблениях и прочих преступлениях с глупым исходом.

* * *

I read once about a guy who held up a convenience store with a bag on his head. It was a CLEAR plastic bag.

* * *

One robbed a bank, and on his way out left a loan application.

* * *

Heard on the radio this morning about a guy who walked into a bank and presented a teller with a note that read "I have a gun. Give me all your money. Bang." The teller gave him the money and he walked out of the bank. He was caught only a short while later. Why? He had written the note on the back of his parole card.

* * *

The fellow robbed something like a supermarket of about $5000 (value approximate and probably wrong, since it is from fuzzy memory). The local newspaper ran the story, but with the amount given as $7000. The thief called the newspaper to complain about the inaccuracy and to suggest that maybe the store manager ripped off the extra $2000 and was unjustly blaming the thief. The people at the newspaper kept him busy on the phone giving his version of the story while the police traced the call to a phone booth and arrived to arrest him while he was still talking to the newspaper!

* * *

This happened to somebody on jury duty 10-15 years ago. The people who weren't on a case had been excused to go to lunch. Well, when it was time to be back in the room waiting to be called on there were two people missing. Well the bailiff in charge was getting a little annoyed when he got a call from the police who are located in the courthouse. The police said are you missing two of your jurors, so-and-so and so-and-so? The bailiff said yes. Then the police said, well we have them in jail up here. They were arrested for shoplifting.

* * *

I heard on the radio this morning about a man who had a very small amount of marijuana in his suitcase when he was coming through customs. For some reason, he knew that the customs officials were going to search his bag. So he grabbed someone else's bag off the carousel and went through customs. When the officials opened up the suitcase, they found several pounds of cocaine in it.

* * *

A person walking down the street sees a group huddled in a corner. As he gets closer he notices one of the people in the group is someone he knows. Getting even closer, he sees the people in the group passing around a syringe, apparently sharing drugs. The person approaches his acquaintance, and says, "What are you doing? Don't you know this is dangerous? You could get AIDS!" To which is friend replies, "Don't worry about me. I'm wearing a condom."

* * *

Did you hear about the guys that held up the Japanese tour bus? The police apprehended them several days later, they had 500 good photographs of each robber.

* * *

A woman was reporting her car as stolen, and mentioned that there was a car phone in it. The policeman taking the report, called the phone, and told the guy that answered that he had read the ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy the car. They arranged to meet, and the thief was arrested.

* * *

A Newfoundlander was accused of purse snatching. He decided to represent himself in court rather than hire a lawyer. The first question he asked the lady on the witness stand was "Did you actually SEE my face when I took your purse?"

* * *

A man is accused of robbing vending machines. He was convicted when he tried to pay his bail with quarters.

* * *

This one happened few years ago in Switzerland: A man went to a photo shop, had pictures taken, and - while the photographer developed the pictures - he took off with the cash register. Leaving behind, of course, the pictures.

* * *

Louisiana - A man walked into a Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? ... Fifteen dollars.

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