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ucmok_peku

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Еженедельные путешествия в мир, который говорит по-английски Humor on the Run (#9)


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Еженедельные путешествия в мир,
который говорит по-английски 		группа независимых переводчиков
Слово - Dело: www.slovo-delo.ru

Humor on the Run (#9)

Добрый день, уважаемые подписчики. Специально для тех, кто недавно подписался на нашу рассылку сообщаю, что в четверг-пятницу мы делаем выпуск, посвящённый исключительно юмору (анекдоты, шутки и т.д.) на английском языке. Не спешите отписываться! По понедельникам выходит настоящий выпуск, посвящённый каким-нибудь проблемам, трудностям и интересностям английского языка. Так что даже если трудно понимать юмор (всё-таки надеюсь, что вы разберётесь), ждите понедельника. А в середине недели мы отдыхаем, наслаждаясь английским юмором или шуткам на английском языке. Сегодня вашему вниманию предлагаю так называемые family jokes. Это тоже довольно интересный пласт шуток, так что незамедлительно отправляемся в путь!

* * *

Three boys are at school bragging of how great their fathers are. The first one says: "Well, my father runs the fastest. He can fire an arrow, and start to run, I tell you, he gets there before the arrow". The second one says: "Ha! You think that's fast! My father is a hunter. He can shoot his gun and be there before the bullet". The third one listens to the other two and shakes his head. He then says: "You two know nothing about fast. My father works for the city. He stops working at 4:30 and he is home by 3:45"!!

* * *

Two young boys were discussing their parents, when one realized he really knew very little about his mother. Arriving home that evening, he gave her a third degree examination. "How old are you?" he asked. "None of your business," replied his mother, shortly. "Okay, then how much do you weigh?" "That's not your business either, young man." The boy thinks a minute, then delivers his final bombshell. "Well then, can you tell me why you and daddy got divorced?" Shocked and appalled, mom sends junior to bed without supper. The next day, the kid reports his failure to his schoolmate. "I know!" says his buddy, "Just look at her driver's license in her purse. It'll tell you everything you want to know." Later that day, mom finds her son next to her disemboweled purse, holding her driver's license. "Just what the heck do you think you are doing?" she yells. "Well, you wouldn't tell me what I wanted to know," says the junior detective, "but my friend said it's all right here. See, you're 40 years old...you weigh 145 pounds...and daddy divorced you because you got an 'F' in Sex."

* * *

Joe Neanderthal was banging two pieces of flint together trying to start a fire, when his wife came running up. "Joe, Joe," she cried. "A sabre-toothed tiger is chasing my mother." "So," said Joe. "Why should I care what happens to a Sabre-toothed tiger?"

* * *

"I hate my mother-in-law," Larry tells his buddy Harry. "But without her, you wouldn't have your wife." "And that's another reason why I hate her."

* * *

An elderly woman rushed up the stairs to the church, late for the wedding. An usher asked to see her invitation. "I don't have one," she said. "Well then, are you a friend of the groom?" "I should say not," snapped the woman, "I'm the bride's mother."

* * *

Although up in years, Pete's mother-in-law was determined to learn how to drive. On her very first time behind the wheel, she moaned, "Pete, I don't know what to do!" Pete hesitated, and then softly said, "Just imagine I'm doing the driving."

* * *

My wife and I had just moved into the neighborhood. We received a card from Sears (the camp of the enemy) saying "since you are new in town, would you like to apply for a credit card?" Sure, we decided, filled out the application and returned it. Several weeks later we got a rejection from Sears saying "Sorry, we cannot issue to you a credit card." Reason? "You haven't been in town long enough."

* * *

Payment Plan : While on a shopping expedition, I mistakenly handed the salesperson my blood-donor card to pay for one of my purchases. He looked at it and then gave it back, saying "That's all right, lady. We still only want money."

* * *

My wife is such a bad cook that, when I wake up in the morning, all the roaches have hung themselves on dental floss.

* * *

My little nephew was explaining to me that his father's friend was deaf and had to speak with his hands. I asked my nephew how his father's friend shouted in sign language. His reply: "He doesn't have to, he doesn't have any kids."

* * *

A couple I know recently adopted a Chinese baby girl, and were showing her to friends. A neighbor came by to admire the baby, and asked, "But what will you do when she gets older and starts speaking Chinese?"

* * *

Larry goes to see his travel agent. "Hey Larry, going away on holiday again?" "Yes but I need to ask for something different" "Go ahead ask me" "You know last year you suggested Hawaii and when I returned my wife was pregnant" "Yes but ..." " And the year before you suggested Bermuda and when I returned my wife was pregnant" "Yes but.." " And the year before that when I went to Bali and when I returned my wife was pregnant" " Yes" "Well! Could you suggest something cheaper this year so that I can bring her with me?"

* * *

As an extremely talkative child, I never realized how exhausting my constant chatter must have been for my family until one day at the dentist's office. The dentist informed my mother that, for a 11-year-old, I seemed to have very small teeth. My harried mother replied, "Wind erosion."

* * *

A woman and her lover are on the bed in the woman's home, when all of a sudden, they hear the front door open and close. "Oh, no, it's my husband!" The man says, "Where's your back door?" "We don't have a back door" says the woman. The man then asks, "Well, where do you want a back door?"

* * *

My husband and I had just finished tucking our five young ones into bed one evening when we heard sobbing coming from three- year-old Billy's room. Rushing to his side, we found him crying hysterically. He had accidentally swallowed a penny and was sure he was going to die. No amount of talking could change his mind. Desperate to calm him, my husband palmed a penny that he happened to have in his pocket and pretended to pull it from Billy's ear. Billy was delighted. In a flash, he snatched it from my husband's hand, swallowed it and demanded cheerfully, "Do it again, Dad!"

* * *

An American couple have five children. Their names are Rudy, Larry, Johnny, Adam, and ... Ding Kong Wong. They called their fifth child Ding Kong Wong because the survey said every 5 babies borned to this world, one of them is Chinese.

* * *

Yesterday I bought a coconut for my 16 year old daughter. I then realized we have been living too long, to far away from nature. She said: "This white stuff inside smells like shampoo."

* * *

The old Jewish man was walking on the beach with his only grandson, when a giant wave crashes on shore, sweeping the boy out to sea. The man looks up to the heavens and says: "Oh Lord, this is my only grandson. How can you take him away from me like this? My son will not understand. My daughter-in-law will die from grief." Another wave comes by, and deposits the boy at the old man's feet. The grandfather looks to the heavens again and says, "He had a hat!"

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