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Еженедельные путешествия в мир, который говорит по-английски Humor on the Run!


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Еженедельные путешествия в мир,
который говорит по-английски 		группа независимых переводчиков
Слово - Dело: www.slovo-delo.ru

Humor on the Run!

Добрый день, уважаемые подписчики! Сегодня, как и было обещано, вы получаете не вполне обычный выпуск. Отныне в середине недели мы будем выпускать рассылку, посвящённую юмору, то есть я буду публиковать шутки, истории, анекдоты, которые пользуются популярностью. Естественно, как и прежде, по понедельникам вы будете получать полноценный выпуск рассылки. А сегодня давайте просто расслабимся! Кстати, выпуски с юмором не будут публиковаться у нас на сайте, а будут только рассылаться нашим подписчикам! Хотя в скором времени на нашем сайте www.slovo-delo.ru появится полноценный раздел, посвящённый юмору. Ждите!

Let's start with one-liners that I like most of all:

Better to be occasionally cheated than perpetually suspicious. Although many people prefer to be perpetually cheated than occasionally suspicious.

Accept than some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue. I think this is tightly connected to being cheated and being suspicious.

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key. Another good advice, but sometimes it's not enough to press Esc, or Ctrl+Alt+Del, sometimes you need simply to RESET. Или, как говорил мой друг, семь бед - один RESET.

There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives. I guess all problems can be solved through a suitable amount of high explosives, starting with fishing and ending with population rate.

You'll never be the man your mother was! Oh, Lord! Of course not! My Mum was a great man, God bless her!

Don't hate yourself in the morning - sleep till noon. To some people it's not recommended to get up at all.

I guess, the beginning was not bad, so let's now laugh together at some hilarious stories!

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats are. The first man was an Engineer, the second an Accountant, the third was a Chemist, the fourth was a Government Worker. To show off, the Engineer called to his cat, "T-square, do your stuff!" T-square pranced over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart. But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff!" Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good. But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Measure, do your stuff!" Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was good. Then the three men turned to the Government Worker and said, "What can your cat do?" The Government Worker called to his cat and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff!" Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, shat on the paper, screwed the other three cats, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers Compensation and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.

One more story? No problem!

A wedding occurred just outside Cavan in Ireland. To keep tradition going, everyone gets extremely drunk and the bride's and groom's families have a storming row and begin wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the shit out of each other. The police get called in to break up the fight. The following week, all members of both families appear in court. The fight continues in the courtroom until the judge finally brings calm with the use of his gavel, shouting, 'Silence in court!' The courtroom goes silent and Paddy, the best man, stands up and says, 'Judge, I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened.' The judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the stand. Paddy begins his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in a Cavan wedding that the best man gets the first dance with the bride. The judge says, 'OK.' 'Well,' said Paddy, 'after I had finished the first dance, the music kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song, when all of a sudden the groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the bride an unmerciful kick right between her legs.' Shocked, the judge instantly responded, 'God, that must have hurt!' 'Hurt?' Paddy replies. 'He broke three of my fingers!'

Another story:

A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road. He stopped and offered her a lift, which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthfully slid his hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and immediately said, "Father, remember psalm 129?" The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand. However, he was unable to remove his eyes from her leg. Further on while changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again Said, "Father, remember psalm 129?" Once again, the priest apologized. "Sorry sister, but the flesh is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun got out, gave him a meaningful glance, and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve the Bible and looked up psalm 129. It Said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory." MORAL OF THE STORY: Always be well informed in your job, or you might miss a great opportunity!

Let's finish this edition with questions that people "actually asked" of Park Rangers around the country, proving once again that there is no known limit to the depths of human stupidity. (Source: Outside Magazine)

Grand Canyon National Park...

Was this man-made?

Do you light it up at night?

I bought tickets for the elevator to the bottom -- where is it?

So where are the faces of the presidents?

Everglades National Park...

Are the alligators real?

Are the baby alligators for sale?

Where are all the rides?

What time does the two o'clock bus leave?

Denali National Park (Alaska)...

What time do you feed the bears?

Can you show me where the yeti lives?

How often do you mow the tundra?

How much does Mount McKinley weigh?

Mesa Verde National Park...

Did people build this, or did Indians?

Why did they build the ruins so close to the road?

What did they worship in the kivas - their own made-up religion?

Do you know of any undiscovered ruins?

Why did the Indians decide to live in Colorado?

Carlsbad Caverns National Park...

How much of the cave is underground?

So what's in the unexplored part of the cave?

Does it ever rain in here?

How many Ping-Pong balls would it take to fill this up?

So what is this - just a hole in the ground?

Yosemite National Park...

Where are the cages for the animals?

What time do you turn on Yosemite Falls?

Can I get my picture taken with the carving of President Clinton?

Yellowstone National Park...

Does Old Faithful erupt at night?

How do you turn it on?

When does the guy who turns it on get to sleep?

We had no trouble finding the park entrances, but where are the exits?

После этого действительно понимаешь, что те вопросы, которые ты считаешь глупыми, на самом деле просто кладези мудрости в сравнении с тем, что написано выше.

Под конец хочу привести вам поучительную историю о том, как сын, учащийся в колледже, просил денег у своего родного отца...

College letter from your son

Dear Dad,

$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.

Love,

Your $on.

Letter from Dad

Dear Son,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.

Love,

Dad.

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