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Автор
Рабинович

Статистика

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Служба Рассылок Городского Кота


Служба Рассылок Городского Кота
   Выпуск  1                                Шутки из забугорья                       

Приветствую всех любителей зарубежного юмора.

   По себе знаю, как иногда надоедают наши родные шуточки-прибауточки, и в то же время душа неустанно требует чего-то еще, смешного да оригинального. А раз требует, то, согласно дяде Фрейду, надобно ей это дать. Так что пожалуйста, берите и не говорите, что не давали :) Постараюсь публиковать только доброкачественный юмор, не опускаясь до шуток про привязанного цыпленка, перешедшего дорогу. Ну что, господа хорошие, поехали!

  A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man, that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days. The man replied, "I agree with you completely. "This must be a sign from God!" The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man, The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. The man asks, "Aren't you having any?" The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."

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   An Illinois man left the snowballed streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor dead. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:
    Dearest Wife, Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
    Your Loving Husband.
    PS: Sure is hot down here.

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  A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his patients to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands.
When the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be going well. When the National Anthem began, the doctor yelled, "Up nuts!" The patients complied by standing up.  After the anthem, the doctor yelled, "Down nuts!" so the patients all sat back down in their seats. During the game, one of the players hit a home run. The doctor yelled, "Cheer nuts!" so the patients all broke out into applause and cheers. Considering things were going very well, the doctor decided to leave his patients momentarily and get some munchies
and a beer. When the returned to his seat, there was a riot in progress.
"What happened?" he asked a fellow patron sitting next to his group. The fellow replies, "Well... everything was going just fine until this guy walked by and yelled "Peanuts! Peanuts! Peanuts!"

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  A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas. A friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one of those sporty 4-Wheel drive vehicles." "She did," he replied. "But where in the heck was I gonna find a fake Jeep?"

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   An elderly woman goes to see her Doctor. "What seems to be the trouble, Mrs. Adkins," he asks. "Well it's very embarressing Doctor," she replies. "I can't stop breaking wind! They don't smell, and they don't make a noise, but I am embarressed by them all the same." The Doctor looks at her and strokes his chin thoughtfully. "You say they dont smell, and they dont make a noise?" "That's right," replies the old lady.The Doctor reaches for his prescription pad, and begins to write. "I want you to take one of these tablets each morning and evening for a week. Come back and see me when they are all gone." Next week the old lady comes back: "How are things now, Mrs. Adkins?" asks the Doctor. "Well they're about the same," replies the old lady, "except that now my farts are starting to smell REALLY bad!" "That's great!" replies the Doctor. "Great?! How so?" asks the old lady. "Well we've fixed up your smell sence. Now all we have to do is fix your hearing!"

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   Вокабулярик

To demolish - уничтожать, разрушать;

To pass away - отбывать в мир иной;

To grieve - скорбить;

Asylum - психушка;

To break winds - пускать ветры;

                           Keep laughing!    Jorikus
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