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ucmok_peku

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Еженедельные путешествия в мир, который говорит по-английски Humor on the Run (#8)


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Еженедельные путешествия в мир,
который говорит по-английски 		группа независимых переводчиков
Слово - Dело: www.slovo-delo.ru

Humor on the Run (#8)

Добрый день, уважаемые подписчики. Специально для тех, кто недавно подписался на нашу рассылку сообщаю, что в четверг-пятницу мы делаем выпуск, посвящённый исключительно юмору (анекдоты, шутки и т.д.) на английском языке. Не спешите отписываться! По понедельникам выходит настоящий выпуск, посвящённый каким-нибудь проблемам, трудностям и интересностям английского языка. Так что даже если трудно понимать юмор (всё-таки надеюсь, что вы разберётесь), ждите понедельника. А в середине недели мы отдыхаем, наслаждаясь английским юмором или шуткам на английском языке. Сегодня вашему вниманию предлагаю шутки, встречающиеся на различного рода объявлениях. Вернее, это даже не шутки, просто люди так пишут, а уж то, что получается смешно, - это не их вина, таковы особенности языка. Но не буду томить вас долго.

* * *

Signs Seen At Various Foreign Establishments

* In a Tokyo Hotel: Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not person to do such thing is please not to read notice. (sic)

* In another Japanese hotel room: Please to bathe inside the tub.

* In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.

* In a Leipzig elevator: Do not enter the lift backwards and only when lit up.

* In a Belgrade hotel elevator: To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.

* In a Paris hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the front desk.

* In a hotel in Athens: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A. M. daily.

* In a Yugoslavian hotel: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.
* In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery: You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.

* In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers: Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.

* At an Acapulco hotel: The management has personally passed the water served here.

* On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.

* On the menu of a Polish hotel: Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.

* In a Hong Kong supermarket: For your convenience, we recommend courageous, efficient self-service.

* Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

* Outside a Paris dress shop: Dresses for street walking.

* In a Rhodes tailor shop: Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.

* In an East African newspaper: A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers.

* In a Vienna hotel: In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter.

* A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest: It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.

* In a Zurich hotel: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.

* A translated sentence from a Russian chess book: A lot of water has been passed under the bridge since this variation has been played.

* In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

* In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency: Take one of our horse-driven city tours - we guarantee no miscarriages.

* Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass?

* In the window of a Swedish furrier: Fur coats made for ladies from their own skin.

* On the box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong: Guaranteed to work throughout its useful life.

* Detour sign in Kyushi, Japan: Stop, Drive Sideways.

* In a Swiss mountain inn: Special today - no ice cream.

* In a Bangkok temple: It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.

* At a Bangkok dry cleaner: Drop your pants here for best results.

* On a toy doll's package in Spain: Laughs while you throw up.

* In a Tokyo bar: Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.

* In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions.

* On the door of a Moscow hotel room: If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.

* In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

* At a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

* In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run.

* From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner: Cools and Heats: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.

* From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo: When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.

* Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance: English well talking. Here speeching American.

* * *

On the way home from work I saw the following sign in front of a church: XXX XXXXX CHURCH SERVICES: 6-7 SUN WORSHIP: 11-1 Seems that some *sects* are getting pretty liberal about the format of their worship! Of course the real question is, when do they sacrifice human? :-)

* * *

There is a sign posted in the "Sky Shops" in Heathrow Airport near the cash register: This area monitored by closed-circuit TV cameras. Shoplifters will be prosecuted and will miss their flight. Wonder which is the worse punishment...

* * *

I saw a sign outside a bar saying "topless and bottomless". I went inside. No one was there.

* * *

In St. Catharines, Ontario, there is an insurance company that has a sign: "ProState Insurance" -I'm sure a lot of men would line up for prostate insurance. What's worse is, there's a sign below it, saying "Parking in rear"... hmmm.

* * *

True sign seen at a used car dealer, "These cars won't last long."

* * *

Our Sears is undergoing a massive remodeling, which means everything in the store is someplace else, like the men's socks with the luggage. However, they didn't bother changing the ceiling signs. When they moved the women's lingerie, the sign above the new spot was probably more accurate than they wanted: Men's Sportswear

* * *

The following (large) road sign appears on Interstate Highway 5 near the San Diego Airport: "Cruise Ships use Airport Exit"

* * *

Two cowboys were driving through central Texas and see a sign, which says "Mexia 15 miles". One of them says to the other, "Hey, why don't we stop in MEX-ee-uh and get a drink?" The other cowboy replies, "Hey, that's not how you say it. It's ma-HAY-uh," and they proceed to get into an argument about the proper pronunciation of Mexia. Finally they get to town and stop in at a little place to settle their argument. They agree they'll ask the cashier how to pronounce the name and whoever is wrong will buy lunch for the other. They walk up to the counter and one of them says, "Excuse me, but could you settle an argument for us?" "Sure," replies the cashier. "We were wondering how to pronounce the name of this place, and we were wondering if you could pronounce it for us. But say it real slow so we can understand." "OK," replies the cashier, eyeing the two quizzically. "It's DAI-RY QUEEEEN."

* * *

We have a mailroom where we can pick up packages that are too large to fit in our mailboxes. Outside the window is a sign which was written by someone with lousy handwriting, such that the 'u' in the word "shout" looks like a second 'o'. The sign thus reads:
THIS ROOM OPERATED BY HEARING IMPAIRED. PLEASE SHOOT TO GET ATTENTION FOR SERVICE.

* * *

A building near my home here in NJ is shared by several businesses. Out front was one sign advertising the services available. The bottom entry said "ACUPUNCTURE IN REAR."

* * *

One of my favorite signs is a fast food place that said "WE HAVE SILLY PUDDY IN OUR KIDS MEALS." Another is near a park where I live and it says, "NO DOGS EATING BICYCLES."

* * *

There's a sign by the roadside at a monument company. (For those who don't know, a "monument company" are the people who carve tombstones.) "PLEASE DRIVE CAREFULLY WE CAN WAIT"

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