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Еженедельные путешествия в мир, который говорит по-английски Humor on the Run (#15)


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Humor on the Run (#15)

Добрый день, уважаемые подписчики. Специально для тех, кто недавно подписался на нашу рассылку сообщаю, что в четверг-пятницу мы делаем выпуск, посвящённый исключительно юмору (анекдоты, шутки и т.д.) на английском языке. Не спешите отписываться! По понедельникам выходит настоящий выпуск, посвящённый каким-нибудь проблемам, трудностям и интересностям английского языка. Так что даже если трудно понимать юмор (всё-таки надеюсь, что вы разберётесь), ждите понедельника. А в середине недели мы отдыхаем, наслаждаясь английским юмором или шуткам на английском языке.

В этот раз, как и в прошлый, предлагаю посмеяться над подборкой шуток и анекдотов про молодёжь и детей, которые, несомненно, доставят вам большое удовольствие...

Are You Ready for Children?

Are you considering having children? To determine whether you are truly prepared for the experience, we suggest you take this set of simple tests...

MESS TEST:

Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the wet flower bed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.

TOY TEST:

Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos. (If Legos are not available, you may substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles.) Have a friend spread them all over the house.  Put on a blindfold.  Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream (this could wake a child at night).

GROCERY STORE TEST:

Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop at the grocery store.  Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.

DRESSING TEST:

Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all arms stay inside.

FEEDING TEST:

Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord. Start the jug swinging.  Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the mouth of the jug while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.

NIGHT TEST:

Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 to 12 pounds of sand.  Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8:00 PM begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00 PM. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 PM. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00 AM. Set alarm for 5:00 AM. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for five years. Look cheerful.

PHYSICAL TEST (WOMEN)

Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10% of the beans.

PHYSICAL TEST (MEN):

Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.

FINAL ASSIGNMENT:

Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run riot. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.

Arkansas Scholars

Questions and answers selected from tests in Springdale, Arkansas in 2000 to 16 year old students! (Don't laugh too hard - one of these may be the president someday - hint on Bill Clinton.)

Q: Name the four seasons. A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink. A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed? A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: What is a planet? A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans? A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections? A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets a election.

Q: What are steroids? A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age? A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty? A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q; Name a major disease associated with cigarettes. A: Premature death.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (E.g., abdomen.) A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A,E,I,O and U.

Q: What is the Fibula? A: A small lie

Q: What does "varicose" mean? A: Nearby.

Q: What is the most common form of birth control? A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section." A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

Q: What is a seizure? A: A Roman emperor.

Q: What is a terminal illness? A: When you are sick at the airport

Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature? A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.

Q: What does the word "benign" mean? A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Q: What is a turbine? A: Something an Arab wears on his head.

Q: What is a Hindu? A: It lays eggs.

At Least I Know That You Were Thinking

A boy was in school and the teacher asks him, ''Bobby, what is round and red?'' Bobby says, ''A banana!'' The teacher says, ''No, Bobby, it's an apple, but at least I know that you were thinking.'' The teacher asks him again what is long and yellow and Bobby says, ''An apple!'' The teacher says, ''No Bobby, but at least I know that you were thinking.'' Bobby then looked down in his desk and asked the teacher, ''What is 4 inches long, yellow and has red on the tip?'' The teacher says, ''BOBBY!! Is that what I think it is? A penis?'' Bobby says, ''No, it's a match, but at least I know you were thinking!!''

Baby Talk

Little Johnny came running into the house and asked, "Mommy, can little girls have babies?" "No," said his mom, "Of course not." Little Johnny then ran back outside and his mom heard him yell to his friends, "It's okay, we can play that game again!"

Barbie's Christmas Beau

A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her turn, she climbs up on Santa's lap. Santa asks, "What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?" The little girl replies, "I want a Barbie and a G.I. Joe." Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, "I thought Barbie comes with Ken." "No," said the little girl. "She comes with G.I. Joe, she fakes it with Ken."

Bathtub Anxieties

There was a little boy and a little girl in a bathtub having a bath. Suddenly the little girl looked down at the boy. "Can I touch it?" "No way -- you already broke yours off!"

Bed Time

One night a father sent his kid to bed. Five minutes later the boy screamed, ''Dad! Can you get me a glass of water!?!'' ''No. You had your chance.'' A minute later the boy screamed ''Dad!! Can you get me a glass of water?'' ''No. You had your chance. Next time you ask I'll come up there and spank you.'' ''Dad! When you come up to spank me can you bring me a glass or water?''

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