Рассылка закрыта
При закрытии подписчики были переданы в рассылку "Jewish anecdote" на которую и рекомендуем вам подписаться.
Вы можете найти рассылки сходной тематики в Каталоге рассылок.
Шутки из забугорья
| Выпуск 34 | Шутки из забугорья |
Денек добрый!
Наконец-то были отгуляны все праздники, было съедено все съестное, выпито все выпивное, а в закромах славянских празднеств не осталось больше ни одного Нового Года :0). Кстати, ежели хотите шокировать иностранца - поведайте ему о том, что у вас в отличие от него, ущербного, два светлых праздничка - новый и старый. Не поймет ведь и все спишет на непостижимость русской души :0). Ну а мы, порадовавшись за нас разумных, приступаем собственно к очередной порции веселостей. Причем начать выпуск хочется неким письмом, направленным вслед уходящим праздникам :0)....
"A Letter to Santa"
Dear Santa,
You must be surprised that I'm writing to you today, the 26th of December. Well, I would very
much like to clear up certain things that have occurred since the beginning of the month, when,
filled with illusion, I wrote you my letter. I asked for a bicycle, an electric train set, a pair
of roller blades, and a football uniform. I destroyed my brain studying the whole year. Not only
was I the first in my class, but I had the best grades in the whole school. I'm not going to lie
to you, there was no one in my entire neighborhood that behaved better than me, with my parents,
my brothers, my friends, and with my neighbors. I would go on errands, and even help the elderly
cross the street. There was virtually nothing within reach that I would not do for humanity. What
balls do you have leaving me a dumb yo-yo, a stupid whistle and a pair of socks. What the hell
were you thinking, you fat son of a bitch, that you've taken me for a sucker the whole bitching
year to come out with some crap like this under the tree. As if you hadn't screwed me enough, you
gave that little bastard across the street so many toys that he can't even walk into his house.
Please don't let me see you trying to fit your big fat arse down my chimney next year. I'll screw
you up. I'll throw rocks at those stupid reindeer and scare them away so you'll have to walk back
to the bloody North Pole, just like what I have to do now since you didn't get me that stupid
bike.
SCREW YOU SANTA.
Next year you'll find out how bad I can be, you FAT-SON-OF-A-BITCH.
Little Johnny
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A man traveling by train asks the ticket collector what time the train stops at Victoria. "Sir, we don't stop at Victoria." "But I have to get off there!" "Well, there might be one thing I can do. I might be able to get the engineer to slow down the train a little. Then I can dangle you out the door and lower you onto the platform." "Will that work?" "It's worth a try." As they approached the platform, the train is slowing from 50 MPH. The collector hangs the man in mid-air out the door. The man starts running in mid-air. "Run faster! Faster!" He lowers the man and the man's feet touch the platform. His shoes start to smoke! His heel comes off! He's running at 30 MPH. He made it! He starts to slow down! The other passengers stare in amazement. As the last car goes by, a hand grabs the man by the shirt collar and lifts the man right back into the train! As he's helped back on the train the gent who picked him up says, "Man you're lucky I was here to help! This train doesn't even STOP in Victoria!"
:) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :|The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test. Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?" A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, "A basketball coach?"
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A man called to United Airlines office and asked for a reservation from Los Angeles to New York. The clerk knew that the plane was very full with baggage and passengers. "How much do you weigh, Sir?" asked the clerk. "With or without clothes?" the passenger asked. "Well," said the clerk, "how do you intend to travel?"
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"Your Honor, my wife is just being ridiculous. Most women would love to have a husband who still believes in chivalry and I was only opening the door for her out of chivalry." "Mr. Smith," replied the judge, "I am granting the divorce. I cannot believe chivalry was your motivation while driving 65 mph."
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Вокабулярик
an errand - поручение;
arse = ass;
a chimney - дымоход;
a reindeer - северный олень;
to dangle out - свесить;
a chivalry - рыцарство.
Keep laughing!
Jorikus
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