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On Rules Of Jewish Vocabulary...
Just as the Eskimos have 27 words for snow, Jews have 31 words for neurotic.
Only those fluent in Hebonics will sense when to call someone mashugana, ts'mished, furdrehet, hot nisht ein kaup, or vaist nisht vus ehr reht. Here are a few words to get you started.
1. "Sch--", as a prefix to anything, suggests disapproval: "Cadillac schmadillac, you're suddenly too good for the Lincoln?"
2. Learning to pronounce "sch" properly is the first step in speaking Hebonics like a real Jew. Nothing makes us giggle harder than the sound of Gentiles say, "It's not raining, just spritzing." It's the same "ssshhh" sound as the prompt to be quiet.
3. Schmuck--Most commonly used as "jerk" (literal translation is penis), but can also be used as a "sucker," as in , "Why am I always the schmuck who gets left with the check?"
4. Schmoe--See schmuck.
5. Schmata--Rag, as in, "Why does she wear those schmatas, that Esther?"
6. Schmaltz--Literally means chicken fat, but when used in conversation it's sappy or corny. "The movie was OK, but why such a schmaltzy ending?"
On Posing Questions By A Jew...
1. Phrase statements as questions. Instead of telling Ida she looks gorgeous, ask her, "How stunning do you have to look?"
2. Instead of answering questions definitely, answer with another question. When someone asks how you feel, answer, "How should I feel?"
3. Whenever possible, end questions with "or what?" This allows the other person to interject another question: "Has she grown up, or what?", "Can you remember when she was just a baby, or what?" (About now, a spontaneous rendition of "Sunrise, Sunset" should be expected.)
4. Begin questions with "What?" Example: "What, my kishka's not good enough for you?"
5. Drop last word in sentence (which is typically a direct or indirect object): "What, do you want to get killed going alone? Ira will go with" (drop "you").
6. Move subject to end of sentences: "Is SHE getting heavy, that Esther?"
7. Use "that" as a modifier to infer contempt: "Is Esther still dating that Norman fellow?"
The Italian says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have wine." The Mexican says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have tequila." The Scot says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have Scotch." The Swede says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have aquavit." The Japanese says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have sake." The Russian says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have vodka." The German says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have beer." The Greek says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have ouzo." The Jew says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have diabetes."
It seems an old Rabbi, in seeing his son graduate from high school, wanted to know what be the youths plans. He called the son into his study and questioned him.
"Son, I vish to know, vhat kind of career are you going to have?" The Rabbi laid on a table three items; a $100 bill, a fifth of Jamesons, and the good book. He looked to the boy and said, "Ve need to know your future. If you take the $100 bill, you will become a gambler, and that is very terrible. If you take the fifth of Jameson's, you will become a drunkard and that too is very, very bad. But, if you take the good book, you will become a Rabbi, like you Papa.
The young lad's mind was blank. He was just out of high school and he did not yet know what he wanted to do with his life. After a few minutes of trying to think, he finally decided there was only one answer. The boy took the $100 bill and put it in his pocket. He picked up the Jameson's in one hand and with the other grasped the good book, put it under his arm and quickly left the room. The old rabbi was stunned. He could not understand what had just happened.
Then all of a sudden his eyes grew wide, he jumped to his feet, and slapping the side of his face he cried, "Oy Vay! He is going to become a Catholic Priest!"
The Pope is having a shower. Although he is very strict about the celibacy rules, he occasionally feels the need to empty his scrotal sacs, and this is one of these occasions. Just as he shoots his load, he sees a photo- grapher taking a picture of the holy seed flying through the air.
"Hold on a minute," says the Pope. "You can't do that. You'll destroy the reputation of the Catholic Church."
"This picture is my lottery win," says the photographer. "I'll be financially secure for life."
So the Pope offers to buy the camera off the photographer, and after lots of negotiation, they eventually arrive at a figure of two million dollars. The Pope then dries himself off, and heads off with his new camera.
He meets his housekeeper, who spots the camera. "That looks like a really good camera," she says, "how much did it cost you?"
"Two million dollars," replies the Pope.
"TWO MILLION DOLLARS!" says the housekeeper, "They must have seen you coming."
Если у вас возникли вопросы по поводу того, как переводится то или иное слово или понятия - обращайтесь к нам на форум сайта Кота Бегемота
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