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Atheist, pick-up lines, what is American, Q & A, book on logic
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Funny stuff from USA
An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that the "accident of evolution" had created. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.
As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned and saw a 7 foot grizzly bear charging towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in. He ran even faster, so scared that tears were coming to his eyes. He looked behind, his heart pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground.
He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him. At that instant the Atheist cried out "Oh my god!"
Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. "You deny my existence for all of these years; teach others I don't exist; and even give credit to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you in your predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"
The Atheist looked directly into the light. "It would be hypo- critical to ask to be a Christian after all these years but perhaps could you make the bear a Christian?"
The light went. The river ran again. The sounds of the forest resumed.
And then the bear dropped his right paw, brought both together, bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, thank you for this food which I am about to receive...
favorite pick up lines...
...I wish you were a door so I could slam you all day long.
...Nice legs...what time do they open?
...You've got 206 bones in your body, want one more?
...Wanna play army? I'll lay down and you can blow the hell outta me.
...I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Wal-Mart, so I could ride you all day long for a quarter.
...If it's true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by morning.
...You know, if I were you, I'd have sex with me.
...Fuck me if I'm wrong, but is your name Helga Titsbottom?
...Those clothes would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor.
...Do you wash your pants in Windex because I can see myself in them.
...I lost my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.
A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is an American. She asks her students to raise their hands if they were American too. Not really knowing why but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like flashy fireworks.
There is, however, one exception. A girl named Gretchen has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.
"Because I am not an American."
"Then", asks the teacher, "What are you?"
"I'm a proud Britain," boasts the little girl. The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Gretchen why she is a Britain.
"Well, my mom and dad are Brits, so I'm a Brit, too." The teacher is now angry.
"That's no reason," she says loudly. "What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?"
A pause, and a smile. "Then," says Gretchen, "I'd be an American!"
Q: Why is American Beer like making love in a canoe?
A: They are both fucking near water!
Q: Give two reasons why Americans can't mind their own business?
A: 1) No Brain, and 2) no business!
A Yank is walking along a street when he comes across an Englishman with a book under his arm.
YANK: Points to the book and asks "Hey buddy what's that?"
BRIT: "That my friend is a book."
YANK: "A book, what the hell is a book?"
BRIT: "A book is something to read, to gain knowledge."
YANK: "Well what's the goddamn book about?"
BRIT: "Logic my friend, It is about logic."
YANK: "Logic, what the fuck is logic?"
The Brit realizing that this conversation was becoming tiresome replies: "Let me ask you a few questions - do you have an aquarium?"
YANK: "Yup, I got me one, real fine it is too!"
BRIT: "Then you like fish."
YANK: "Gee that's great...hey buddy, tell me more."
BRIT: Looking the Yank square in the eyes: "OK, you look as though you like trees, flowers, fresh air and going for long walks in the country, am I right?"
YANK: "Yup."
BRIT: "I would hazard a guess that you like taking your wife with you too?"
YANK: "Yup sure do."
BRIT: "I bet that you like making love to your wife out in the wide-open spaces?"
YANK: Now with a huge grin on his blue-chinned face: "Yeah, you bet ya, I just love to do that and my wife likes it too, if we can get away with it and the Sheriff ain't lookin'."
BRIT: "Well you see from this short conversation we have established the following; you like fish, trees, flowers, fresh air and you are very definitely not a fag."
YANK: "That's fantastic, I just gotta buy me a book on logic."
So our intrepid cousin from God's own country finds the closest bookstore and buys an American book on logic (not quite as thick as the Brit's example), and proudly walks off when strangely enough he meets a fellow American.
YANK2: Points to the book and asks: "Hey buddy what's that?"
YANK1: "That is a book."
YANK2: "A book, what the hell is a book?"
YANK1: "A book is something to read, to gain knowledge."
YANK2: "Well, what's the goddamn book about?"
YANK1: "Logic."
YANK2: "Logic...what the fuck is logic?"
YANK1: "Let me ask you a few questions--do you have an aquarium?"
YANK2: "Nope."
YANK1: "Shit, you must be a goddamn fag!"
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