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   A nerd was walking on campus one day when his friend, another nerd, rode up on an incredible shiny new bicycle. The first nerd was stunned and asked, "Where did you get such a nice bike?" The second nerd replied, "Well, yesterday I was walking along minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up to me on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want!'" The second nerd nodded approvingly, "Good choice, the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

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   Two children were sitting outside a clinic. One of them was crying very loudly.
2nd Child: Why are you crying?
1st Child: I came here for blood test.
2nd Child: So? Are you afraid?
1st Child: No. Not that. For the blood test, they cut my finger.
At this, the second one started crying. The first one was astonished.
1st Child: Why are you crying now?
2nd Child: I have come for my urine test!

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   Hubby : You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
Wife : When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Hubby : You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Wife : Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can there be greater than this one?"

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   Little girl goes into a toy store. Asks the salesperson, "How much is a Barbie Doll?" The salesperson replies, "They are different prices, it depends on which one you want." "Oh. How much is this Surfer Barbie?" "$19.95" "How much is Biker Barbie?" "$19.95" "How much is Malibu Barbie?" "$19.95" "How much is Divorce Barbie?" "That one is $69.95" "Wow. Why are all these other Barbie's only $20, but Divorce Barbie is $70?" "Because Divorce Barbie comes with Ken's house and Ken's car!"

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   A traveling salesman checked into a futuristic motel. He needed a haircut before his next day's meeting, and he called the desk clerk asking if there was a barberon the premises. "I'm afraid not, sir," the clerk told him, "but down the hall is a new machine that should serve the purpose." Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the appropriate machine, inserted fifty cents, and stuck his head in the opening. The machine started to buzz and whirl. One minute later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his head in the mirror, which reflected the best haircut he ever received in his life. Adjacent was another machine with a sign that read,"Manicures - 50 cents." "Why not?" thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and pulled them out one minute later perfectly manicured. The next machine had a huge sign that read, "This Machine Provides What Men Need Most When Away from Their Wives - cost 50 cents." The salesman was embarrassed, but he had been away from his wife for two weeks. He looked both ways and saw nobody around so he put in fifty cents, unzipped his pants and stuck his penis into the opening - When the machine started buzzing, the guy let outa shriek of pain and agony. Fifteen seconds later the machine shut off and, trembling, the salesman withdrew his penis...Which now had a button sewed on the tip.

All these jokes sent by Pavel Vasilyev

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   Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Nancy. "She's incredibly mixed up." said one doctor. "She does everything absolutely backwards. Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of morphine every 10 hours, she gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. He damn near died on us!" The second doctor said "That's nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours. She tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy damn near exploded!" Suddenly they hear this bloodcurdling scream from down the hall. "Oh my God!" said the first doctor, "I just realized I told Nurse Nancy to prick Mr. Smith's boil!"

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   After many months of trying to make ends meet, one California couple decided that the only way they were going to get any extra cash was to have the old lady start hooking. Early the next morning the wife comes home looking very haggard and worn out. The husband guiltily asks how she did, and the wife replies that she earned four hundred and one dollars. "That's great!" the husband replies. "But who gave you the one dollar?" "Everybody!" replied the wife.

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   A Sunday school teacher was instructing her class. Just before she dismissed them to go to church she asked them, "Why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" Little Johnny was quick to blurt out what he was certain was the correct answer, "Because people are sleeping!"

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   A man was walking on the sidewalk and noticed up ahead that Little Johnny was wearing a red fireman's hat and sitting in a red wagon. It appeared that the wagon was being pulled slowly by a large Labrador Retriever. When he got closer to the lad, he noticed that Johnny had a rope tied around the dog's testicles, which probably accounted for why the dog was walking so gingerly. Smiling, he spoke to the little boy, "That's really a nice fire engine you have there, son. But I'll bet the dog would pull you faster if you tied that rope around his neck." "Yeah," Johnny replied, "but then I wouldn't have a siren."

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   Morris is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker, Joe, is wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense." "Hey Joe," he yells out, "I didn't know you wore an earring." "Don't make such a big deal out of it, it's only an earring," says Joe sheepishly. "No really," probes Morris, "How long have you been wearing one?" "Ever since my wife found it in our bed."

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   A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, he said: "Now, boys, if I stood on my head the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I should turn red in the face." "Yes, sir," the boys said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted, "Cause yer feet ain't empty."

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   The doctor took Gail into the room and said, "Gail, I have some good news and some bad news." Gail said, "Give me the good news." "They're going to name the disease after you."

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   For the first time in many years, an old man traveled from his rural county to the city to attend a movie. After buying his ticket, he stopped at the concession stand to purchase some popcorn. Handing the attendant $1.50, he couldn't help but comment, "You know, the last time I came to the movies, popcorn was only 15 cents." "Well, sir," the attendant replied with a grin, "You're really going to enjoy yourself tonight! We have sound now."

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   A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?" "I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise." "That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?" "Twenty-six," he said.

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   A girl asked her friend, a dumb blonde, "How is your new boyfriend?" The blonde replied, "He's nice except for one thing - he changes shapes!" "What do you mean? How?" The blonde said, "When he leaves the bed after making love, he comes back looking entirely different - even his clothes and face have changed... and wants to make love again... and this happens all night long!"

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   One Irishman was downing them faster than usual when the man on the barstool next to him said, "What's wrong?" The first Irishman said, "I'm drinking to the memory of my wife. She was a saint on earth. She went to church every single morning, spent her days reading and quoting the Scriptures, sang hymns and psalms all evening, filled our house with religious statues and paintings, and invited priests and nuns to dinner three times a week." "She sounds like an angel," the second man commented, "I suppose the good Lord took her early to Himself." "No," the first Irishman replied. "I strangled her."

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   When Blue Collar workers go out together on a week-end they talk about football. When middle management are together, they talk about tennis. Top management discusses golf. Conclusion: The higher up you are in management, the smaller your balls.

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   An elderly woman finds an old oil lamp in her and she decides that it wouldn't hurt to rub the lamp before she tosses it. She rubs it and suddenly a magical genie apears and offers to grant 3 wishes. First she wishes to be young and beautiful *poof* she is 25 years old and gorgeous. Her second wish is to be wealthy. *poof* she has a mountain of money in front of her. "What is your final wish?" the genie asks. The woman is lost in thought when her old tom cat rubs against her leg. Thinking that she hasn't had some action in a very long time, she says "I wish my old cat would turn into a handsome young man who wants me madly." The wish is granted and the genie dissapears. Alone, the man begins to kiss the woman passionatly and they go to the bedroom where he begins to undress her. He smiles seductivly as he leans to whisper his first words in her ear..."Now aren't you sorry you had me neutered."

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   A drunk in a bar is unloading on the bartender. "For 20 long and wonderful years," mused the gent at the bar, "my wife and I were deliriously happy." "Then what happened?" asked the bartender. "We met."

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