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Служба Рассылок Subscribe.Ru проекта Citycat.Ru
   Выпуск  42                                Шутки из забугорья                       

Приветствую всех любителей индусско-мексиканской кухни!

   Сегодня вас ожидает подборка перченых анекдотов недвусмысленной направленности. А посему - дети до 16, идите пить пиво, дети после 16, идите пить кто что любит, а вы, дорогие взрослые, оставайтесь с нами и читайте!

   One day mom was cleaning junior's room and in the closet she found a bondage S+M magazine. This was highly upsetting for her. She hid the magazine until his father got home and showed it to him. He looked at it and handed it back to her with out a word. She finally asked him, " Well what should we do about this?" Dad looked at her and said, "Well I don't think you should spank him."

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   A man walks up to a woman in his office and tells her that her hair smells nice. The woman immediately goes into her supervisor's office and tells him that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit and explains why. The supervisor is puzzled by this time and says, "What's wrong with the co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?" The woman replies, "He's a midget."

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   An old soldier was celebrating 82 years on this Earth. He spoke to his toes. "Hello, toes!" he said, "How are you, toes? You know, you are 82 today. Oh, the times we've had! Remember when we walked in the park in summer every Sunday afternoon? The times we waltzed on the dance floor? Happy birthday, toes!" "Hello, knees," he continued. "How are you, knees? You know you're 82 today. Oh, the times we've had! Remember when we marched in the parade? Oh, the hurdles we've jumped together. Happy birthday, knees!" Then, he looked down at his dick. "Hello Willy! If you were alive today, you'd be 82 years old!"

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   A middle aged couple is watching TV when a TV Evangelist comes on and promises to heal the sick. "If only you would pray with him and place your right hand in the air and place your left hand on the afflicted area." So the man places his right hand in the air and his left hand on his crotch. Upon seen this action, the man's wife says, "Gee, honey He said heal the sick, not raise the dead!"

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   A traveling salesman was passing through and old farming town when he decided he needed to get some sleep. He stopped by an old farmer's house to see if he could get a room for the night. The farmer agreed to let the stranger stay at his house but warned him to stay away from his young daughter. The salesman agreed. To make sure the salesman kept his word, the farmer discreetly placed three fresh eggs above his daughters door. If the eggs fell and broke, then the farmer would know of the salesman hanky-panky with his young innocent daughter. Temptation got the best of the salesman and he snuck into the young girl's room and did his deed. And of course, broke all the eggs. He and the young girl spent the rest of the night gluing the egg shells back together and placed them back upon the top of the door. The farmer got up the next morning and checked his daughter's room. All three eggs appeared to be in place. He felt good about his daughter and the salesman and decided to fix them breakfast with the eggs he had used. He cracked the first one. Nothing inside. Same with the second and third eggs. Nothing inside. The farmer thought to himself, "I am no dummy! No one can fool me!" and stormed out the door in sheer anger. He stood on his porch and hollered "Okay, I want to know the truth...Which one of you roosters is wearing a condom!?"

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   This father needs to go to the drug store, and decides to take his 5-year old son with him. They are walking down the isle with many boxes of condoms hanging on hooks, and the boy stops his dad and asks, "Dad, what are these?" The father answers, "Well, son, when you are a teenager you will learn all about that." They continue down the isle when suddenly the boy says, "Say, dad -- there are THREE in this box, why is that?" The father wisely answers, "Well, son, when you are in high school, you will learn that one is for Friday night, one for Saturday night, and one for Sunday night." The boy seems satisfied with that answer, but as he continues down the isle he notices a box of SIX. "Dad, why six?" " Well, son, when you are in college, you will appreciate that you will have two for Friday night, two for Saturday night, and two for Sunday night!" the dad answers. Towards the end of the row, he spies TWELVE pack. "Hey, dad, why a box of twelve?" "Well, son, when you are married you will learn that one is for January, one for February, one for March. . . . "

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   A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas to Chicago. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and said, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the flight attendant. So the boy asked the flight attendant, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The flight attendant asked, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?" He said that she had. So she said, "Tell your mother that Southwest always pulls out on time."

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   A man visits his doctor. "I think I have a problem, doc," said the patient. "One of my balls has turned blue." The doctor examined the man briefly and concluded the patient would die if they didn't have his testicle removed. "Are you crazy?!" exclaimed the patient, "How could I let you do such a thing to me?" "Do you want to die?", asked the doctor rhetorically, and the patient had to agree to have his testicle removed. But two weeks after the operation, he came back. "Doc, I don't know how to say this, but the other ball has turned blue too." Again, the doctor told him that if he wants to live, his other testicle must be cut off too. And again, the man was very reluctant. "Hey, do you want to die?" asked the doc, and the patient had to agree to the operation. But, about two weeks after he is testicle-less, he returned to the doctor. "I think something is very wrong with me. My penis is now completely blue." After briefly examining the patient once again, the doc gives him the bad news. If he wants to live, his penis has to go. Of course, he did not want to hear about it. "You really want to die?" asked the doctor. "But... how do I pee?" "We'll install a plastic pipe, and there will be no problem." So, the penis is removed and a while after the operation, the unfortunate man again returns the doctor's office. He is very angry. "Doctor, the plastic pipe turned blue." "What?" "Can you tell me what a hell is happening?" So, the doctor examined the patient more carefully this time, and says, "Hmmmm, I think it's because of the jeans..."

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   Maria was a devoted, religious girl. She got married and had 17 children. Then her husband died. She remarried two weeks later, and had 22 children by her next husband. Then he died. A while later, she died. At the funeral, the priest looked skyward and said, "At least they're finally together." A guy sitting in the front row said, "Excuse me, father, but do you mean her and her first husband, or her and her second husband?" The priest said, "I mean her legs."

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"The Height of All Emotions"

Height of patience
A naked woman lying down with her legs apart under a banana tree.
Height of frustration:
A boxer trying to scratch his balls.
Height of Innocence
A teenager girl applying Clearsil to her nipples.
Height of Unemployment
Cobwebs in the hole of the prostitute.
Height of laziness:
A guy lying on a girl and waiting for an earthquake to do the rest.
Height of Competition:
A guy peeing beside a waterfall.
Height of Sophistication:
Sucking nipples with a straw.
Height of Technology
Condom with zip.
Height of Trouble:
A one handed man hanging from a cliff and his butt is itching.

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   Вокабулярик

A bondage S+M mag - садомазохистский журнал;

to spank - шлепать;

a sexual harassment - (любимая тема америконцев) сексуальное домогательство;

a midget - карлик;

toes - пальцы на ноге;

a crotch - крючок (в разных смыслах слова :0));

a rooster - петух;

to pull out - 1. Отбывать; 2. Вытаскивать;

reluctant - сопротивляющийся;

a cobweb - паутина;

to itch - чесаться.

Keep laughing!    Jorikus

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