Шутки из забугорья

Guten Morgen, Damen und Herren!

   Добро пожаловать снова в мир американо-английского юмора. Опять я возвращаюсь к вам после долгой и утомительной выпускной сессии. Все, кто прошел через это, наверняка меня поймут :). Так что еще одним доктором стало больше... Ладно, это все присказка, а сказка (15 шт.) - впереди, точнее внизу!

   My sister and I spent two weeks in Paris. The locals obviously hated Americans. No matter where we went, we were subject to rude behavior from waiters, store clerks, pedestrians, etc. After a while it started to irritate us. One day, in Paris, my sister went shopping. She entered a store and started looking around. She was the only customer in the store. As she was look through the clothes on the rack, a clerk hurriedly approached her and very abruptly asked if he could help her. My sister was used to this bad treatment by now and she politely declined his help. She continued to look at the clothes. Then she noticed that every clerk in the store was staring at her. Defiantly, she continued to look through the clothes. When she could take this treatment no longer, she turned on her heels, with her head held high, and left the shop. As she left, she noticed that the sign on the store read "Dry Cleaners."

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   Every morning for years, at about 11:30, the telephone operator in a small Sierra-Nevada town received a call from a man asking the exact time. One day the operator summed up nerve enough to ask him why the regularity. "I'm foreman of the local sawmill," he explained. "Every day I have to blow the whistle at noon so I call you to get the exact time." The operator giggled, "That's really funny," she said. "All this time we've been setting our clock by your whistle.

   There was once a Irishman and an Englishman who lived next door to each other. The Irishman owned a hen and each morning would look in his garden and pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast. One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Englishman's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Englishman pick up the egg. The Irishman ran up to the Englishman and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen. The Englishman disagreed because the egg was laid on his property. They argued for a while until finally the Irishman said, "In my family we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I kick you in the balls and time how long it takes you to get back up, then you kick me in the balls and time how long it takes for me to get up, whomever gets up quicker wins the egg." The Englishman agreed to this and so the Irishman found his heaviest pair of boots and put them on, he took a few steps back, then ran toward the Englishman and kicked as hard as he could in the balls. The Englishman fell to the floor clutching his nuts howling in agony for 30 minutes. Eventually the Englishman stood up and said, "Now it's my turn to kick you." The Irishman said, "Keep the damn egg."

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   Two babies were sat in their cribs, when one baby shouted to the other, "Are you a little girl or a little boy?" "I don't know," replied the other baby giggling. "What do you mean, you don't know?" said the first baby. "I mean I don't know how to tell the difference," was the reply. "Well, I do," said the first baby chuckling. "I'll climb into your crib and find out." He carefully maneuvered himself into the other baby's crib, then quickly disappeared beneath the blankets. After a couple of minutes, he resurfaced with a big grin on his face. "You're a little girl, and I'm a little boy," he said proudly. "You're ever so clever," cooed the baby girl, "but how can you tell?" "It's quite easy, really," replied the proud baby boy, "you've got pink booties and I've got blue ones."

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   A Scotsman, upon finishing his business in the outhouse, was pulling up his pants when a quarter slipped from his pocket, bounced once on the rim, and fell into the hole. Peering ruefully into the hole, he muttered to himself, "For a quarter, Nae." Upon which, he reluctantly withdrew another quarter from his pocket, let it fall into the hole to join the first, and remarked as he descended, "But for 50 cents, aye!"

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   A man's car was stalled in the middle of a busy street, and the woman behind him honked continuously as he tried to restart it. Finally, the man got out and walked to the woman's car. "I can't seem to get my car started," the man said, smiling. "If you'll go and start it for me, I'll stay here and lean on your horn."

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   A man was wandering around in a field, thinking about how good his wife had been to him and how fortunate he was to have her. He looked up and asked God, "Why did you make my wife so kind-hearted?" The Lord responded, "So you could love her, my son." "Why did you make her so good-looking?" "So you could love her, my son." "Why did you make her such a good cook?" "So you could love her, my son." The man thought about this. Then he said, "I don't mean to seem ungrateful or anything, but why did you make her so stupid?" "So she could love you, my son."

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   A guy starts chatting with a girl in a bar. "What's your name?" he asks. "Carmen," she says. "I had my name changed from 'Mary Lou' to 'Carmen', because I love cars and men." "I see," he says. "What's your name?" she asks him. He thought for a second. "Beersex"

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   Little Johnny's father was a pastor in a small church in England. One day, his father told Little Johnny that a very important church leader was coming and that he would be staying with them. His father decided that he would let little Johnny bring the church leader tea in the morning and wake him up. Little Johnny agreed to do this and was very excited. His father gave him instructions: first, knock on the door of the church leader's room and then say to him, "It's the boy, my lord, it's time to get up. Little Johnny was very excited and rehearsed his lines repeating them over and over. Finally the day came and little Johnny had learned all his lines. He went to the door and knocked. He was so excited and nervous though, that his lines got mixed up, and he said, "It's the Lord, my boy, and your time is up!"

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   "It's just a cold," the doctor said. "There is no cure, and you'll just have to live with it until it goes away." "But Doctor," the patient whined, "it's making me so miserable." The doctor rolled his eyes toward the ceiling. Then he said, "Look, go home and take a hot bath. Then put a bathing suit on and run around the block three or four times." "What!" the patient exclaimed. "I'll get pneumonia!" "We have a cure for pneumonia," the doctor said.

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   A man went skydiving for the first time. After listening to the instructor for what seemed like days, he was ready to go. Excited, he jumped out of the airplane. About five seconds later, he pulled the ripcord. Nothing happened. He tried again. Still nothing. He started to panic, but remembered his back-up chute. He pulled that cord. Nothing happened. He frantically began yanking both cords to no avail. Suddenly he looked down, and he couldn't believe his eyes. Another man was in the air with him, but this guy was going up! Just as the other guy passed by, the skydiver yelled, "Hey, do you know anything about skydiving?" The other guy yelled back, "No! Do you know anything about gas stoves?"

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   A first grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Johnny what is your problem?" Johnny answered, "I'm too smart for the first grade. My sister is in the third grade, and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third grade, too!" The teacher had had enough. She took Johnny to the principal's office. While Johnny waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first grade and behave. The teacher agreed. Johnny was brought in and the conditions are explained to him and, he agrees to take the test. Principal: "What is 3 x 3?" Johnny: "9." Principal: "What is 6 x 6?" Johnny: "36." And so it went with every question the principal thought a third grader should know. The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, "I think Johnny can go to the third grade." The teacher says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?" The principal and Johnny both agree. The teacher asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?" Johnny, after a moment, "Legs." Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Johnny replied, "Pockets." Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?" Johnny: "Pants." Teacher: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of excitement?" Johnny: "Firetruck." The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Johnny in the fifth grade, I missed the last four questions myself."

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   Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by terrible headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem. "The good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles." Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need, a new suit. "He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "It's my job." Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure!" The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see... 34 sleeve and ...16 and a half neck." Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?" "It's my job." Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. Joe was feeling great, when the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure!" The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see...size 36." Joe laughed, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old." The salesman shook his head and said, "You can't wear a size 34. It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache!"

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   There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer. When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!" He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

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   One enemy decoy, built in occupied Holland, led to a tale that has been told and retold ever since by veteran Allied pilots. The German "airfield," constructed with meticulous care, was made almost entirely of wood. There were wooden hangars, oil tanks, gun emplacements, trucks, and aircraft. The Germans took so long in building their wooden decoy that allied photo experts had more than enough time to observe and report it. The day finally came when the decoy was finished, down to the last wooden plank. And early the following morning, a lone RAF plane crossed the Channel, came in low, circled the field once, and dropped a large wooden bomb.

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