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Курсы английского в интернет.


 

Английский язык: дистанционное обучение

The Institute of Informational and Management Technologies

www.5English.com : Курсы английского языка в Интернет

Свидетельство о регистрации  09.08.2000 №05387311

 

Английский: Изучение в Интернет

Здесь учат понимать английскую речь

  Здравствуйте друзья!

Хочется предложить вам несколько веселых историй и анекдотов на английском языке.
 
 

We take you now to the Oval Office


George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
George: Great. Lay it on me.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
George: That's what I want to know.
Condi: That's what I'm telling you.
George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes.
George: I mean the fellow's name.
Condi: Hu.
George: The guy in China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The new leader of China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The Chinaman!
Condi: Hu is leading China.
George: Now whaddya' asking me for?
Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.
George: Well, I"m asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: That's the man's name.
George: That's whose name?
Condi: Yes.
George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.
Condi: That's correct.
George: Then who is in China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir is in China?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
Condi: Kofi?
George: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?
George: No.
Condi: You don't want Kofi.
George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi?
George: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi: And call who?
George: Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
George: Will you stay out of China?!
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi.
George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.
(Condi picks up the phone.)
Condi: Rice, here.
George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East?

 

Florida coast

While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft.
Spotting and old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, "Are there any gators around here?!"
"Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"
Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore.
About halfway there he asked the guy, "How'd you get rid of the gators?"
"We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said. "The sharks got 'em."

 

A Phone Call
A Phone Call
- Hello, are you there ?
- Yes, who are you, please?
- Watt.
- What's your name?
- Watt's my name.
- Yes, what is your name?
- My name is John Watt.
- John what?
- Yes.
- ?????? I'll call you again.
- All right. Are you Jones?
- No, I'm Knott.
- Will you tell me your name then?
- Will Knott.
- Why not?
- My name's Knott.
- Not what?
- Not Watt, Knott!
- What.....

A manager
A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts, "Excuse me. Can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The man below says, "Yes. You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 42 degrees N. latitude, and between 58 and 60 degrees W. longitude."
"You must be an engineer," says the balloonist. "I am," replies the man. "How did you know?" "Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost."
The man below says, "You must be a manager." "I am," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," says the man below, "you don't know where you are, or where you are going. You have made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow my fault.
 

 

 

Do not marry a programmer...
Do not marry a programmer..
Husband: (Returning late from work)
" Good evening dear..... I'm logged in."
Wife: Have you brought the groceries?
Husband: Bad command or filename.
Wife: But I told you in then morning!
Husband: Syntax Error. Abort?
Wife: What about my new TV?
Husband: Variable not found....
Wife: At least, give me your Credit Card, I want to do some shopping.
Husband: Sharing Violation. Access denied.
Wife: Do you love me or do you love computers or are you just being funny?
Husband: Too many parameters....
Wife: It was a great mistake that I married an idiot like you.
Husband: Data type mismatch.
Wife: You are useless.
Husband: It's by default.
Wife: What about your Salary?
Husband: File in use .... Try later.
Wife: What is my value in the family?
Husband: Unknown Virus.

A WIFE
Three guys and a lady were sitting at the bar talking about their professions...
The first guy says " I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E, you know... Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist."
The second guy says " I'm a D.I.N.K.Y., you know... Double Income, No Kids Yet."
The third guy says, " I'm a R.U.B, you know... Rich, Urban, Biker."
They turn to the woman and ask her, " What are you? "
She replies: "I'm a WIFE, you know...Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc."

 

Желаем отличного настроения и успехов в изучении английского языка.

 

Коллектив Института информационных и управленческих технологий

 
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