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Самые смешные анекдоты на английском языке

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Самые смешные анекдоты на английском языке


Самые смешные анекдоты на английском языке

Monthly Best Jokes

A man goes to the doctor with a long history of...

A man goes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches. When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that his poor patient has had practically every therapy known to man for his migraines and STILL no improvement.
"Listen," says the Doctor, "I have migraines, too and the advice I'm going to give you isn't really anything I learned in medical school, but it's advice that I've gotten from my own experience. When I have a migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a while. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand, especially around the forehead. This helps a little. Then I get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is killing me, I force myself to have sex with her. Almost always, the headache is immediately gone. Now, give it a try, and come back and see me in six weeks."
Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin. "Doc! I took your advice and it works! It REALLY WORKS! I've had migraines for 17 years and this is the FIRST time anyone has ever helped me!"
"Well," says the physician, "I'm glad I could help."
"By the way, Doc," the patient adds, "you have a REALLY nice house."

God Meets Bureaucracy

In the beginning God Created heaven and the earth. Quickly he was faced with a class action suit for failure to file an environmental impact statement. He was granted a temporary permit for the project, but was stymied with the Cease and Desist order for the earthly part. Appearing at the hearing, God was asked why he began his earthly project in the first place. He replied that he just liked to be creative.
Then God said, "Let there be light." Officials immediately demanded to know how the light would be made. Would there be strip mining? What about thermal pollution? God explained that the light would come from a huge ball of fire. God was granted provisional permission to make light, assuming that no smoke would result from the ball of fire, that he would obtain a building permit, and (to conserve energy) would have the light out half the time. God agreed and said he would call the light "Day" and the darkness "Night." Officials replied that they were not interested in semantics.
God said, "Let the earth bring forth green herb and such as manyseed." The EPA agreed so long as native seed was used. Then God said, "Let waters bring forth creeping creatures having life; and the fowl that may fly over the earth." Officials pointed out this would require approval from the Department of Game coordinated with the Heavenly Wildlife Federation and the Audubongelic Society.
Everything was OK until God said he wanted to complete the project in six days. Officials informed him it would take at least 200 days to review the application and the environmental impact statement. After that there would be a public hearing. Then there would be 10-12 months before...

 

Фильмы на английском языке с субтитрами в интернет-магазине "English4U":

  1. Pianist (Пианист) (3 Оскара и ещё 35 наград!)
  2. 500 Days of Summer (500 дней лета)
  3. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (Вечное сияние чистого разума)
  4. Proposal (Предложение)
  5. Up (Вверх)
  6. Revolutionary Road (Дорога перемен)
  7. The Departed (Отступники)
  8. The Hangover (Мальчишник в Вегасе)
  9. Australia (Австралия)
  10. Two Lovers (Два любовника)
  11. Inglourious Basterds (Бесславные ублюдки)
  12. Public Enemies (Джонни Д.)
  13. Requiem For A Dream (Реквием по мечте)
  14. The Surrogates (Суррогаты)
  15. Knowing (Знамение)
  16. Jennifer's Body (Тело Дженнифер)

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