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Шутки из забугорья


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   Выпуск  47                                Шутки из забугорья                       

Здоровэньки булы!

   Всех поздравляю с хорошей и не очень погодой (ненужное зачеркнуть в зависимости от региона и личных предпочтений), днями рождений, свадеб и разводов (зачеркивается аналогично). Как вы, наверное, догадались, сегодня у нас в программе очередная порция смешных и не очень (вы уже знаете, что делать :0))) анекдотов. Прошу!

   Arafat is in his office, alone, when his bodyguards hear a loud explosion inside his office. Rushing in, they see him on the floor, face bloodied, and they ask, "What happened, Mr. Chairman?" "A letter bomb" exclaimed the injured despot. "But a letter bomb would have wounded your hands, not your mouth" replied one of his experienced men. Arafat replies, "I was sealing it."

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   "Oh, No!" he gasped as he surveyed the disaster before him. Never in his 40 years of life had he seen anything like it. How anyone could have survived he did not know. He could only hope that somewhere amid the overwhelming destruction he would find his 16-year-old son. Only the slim hope of finding Danny kept him from turning and fleeing the scene. He took a deep breath and proceeded. Walking was virtually impossible with so many things strewn across his path. He moved ahead slowly. "Danny! Danny!" he whispered to himself. He tripped and almost fell several times. He heard someone, or something, move. At least he thought he did. Perhaps, he was just hoping he did. He shook his head and felt his gut tighten. He couldn't understand how this could have happened. There was some light but not enough to see very much. Something cold and wet brushed against his hand. He jerked it away. In desperation, he took another step then cried out, "Danny!" From a nearby pile of unidentified material, he heard his son. "Yes, Dad," he said, in a voice so weak it could hardly be heard. "It's time to get up and get ready for school," the man sighed, "and, for heaven's sake, clean up this room."

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   Two blondes and a brunette were walking down the beach when a seagull dumps a load on one of the blondes. The brunette says "I'll go and get some toilet paper." When she left, one blonde turns to the other and says, "Oh God, is she ever stupid. By the time she gets back, that seagull will be miles away."

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   This one man comes to America from a foreign country. He is at a baseball game for the first time. While he is sitting in the stands, he sees a man hit a ball and then run. He notices everyone get up and start to scream "run." So the next time someone hits the ball he stands up and says "run ya bastard run." Now that he got the hang of it he did this every time the ball was hit. A few minutes later he sees a guy lay down the bat and walk towards first base, so he gets up and says "run ya bastard run." Every one started to laugh. He sat down in embarrassment and a man kindly leaned over his shoulder and said "he doesn't have to run." The man replied "why not?" He said "because he's got four balls." So the foreign man stood up and said . . ."walk with pride my boy!"

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   Years and years ago, this young lad was born with a golden screw in his navel. When he went swimming with his friends, they all made fun of him. One day while walking in the Enchanted Forest, his Fairy Godmother appeared and promised to grant him one wish. Without hesitation, he said, "I wish I was rid of this golden screw in my navel!" His fairy Godmother said, "Very well, take this bag of magic sand and sprinkle it in your eyes. You will fall sound asleep, and when you wake up, your wish will be granted." The little boy quickly sat down next to a large tree, sprinkled the sand in his eyes and fell promptly asleep. A little while later, he awoke and looked down and saw that the screw was no longer there. He was so happy that he got up and danced and kicked his heels--and then his butt fell off.

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   Wife: Dear, this afternoon the big clock fell off the wall. Had it fallen a moment sooner, my mother would have been hit on the head and badly hurt.
Husband: Oh, my God! That clock has always been slow.

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   A bear was chasing this bunny around a forest. They ran into a clearing and were running around a certain huge redwood where a genie lived. The genie got so tired of the racket that he finally came out and told the pair that he would grant them 3 wishes a piece if they would just leave him alone. The pair agreed. The bear said he would go first. "I wish...that all the bears in this forest were female." The genie granted the wish. The bunny just grinned and asked for a helmet. The bear thought that strange but continued. "I wish...that all the bears in this country to be female!" The genie granted the wish. The bunny just grinned again and wished for a motorcycle. He jumped on the bike, put on his helmet and started gunning it. The bear looked at the bunny and said, "You must be the stupidest bunny I ever met!" Then he asked for his last wish. "I wish...that all the bears in this world to be female!" The genie granted the wish. The bunny just grinned and said, "I wish the bear was gay."

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   A man walks into a bar with his pet octopus. The man orders a beer for himself and a scotch for the octopus. The barman explains that pets are not permitted in the bar and therefore, the octopus can't stay. The man then explains that if he and his octopus are allowed to stay for one drink, the octopus will play the bar's piano. The barman agrees to this, and the octopus plays the piano. The other drinkers in the bar think this is fantastic, and show their appreciation by throwing money and buying more drinks. After the performance the man and his octopus finish their drinks and go. The next evening the man and his octopus walk into the bar and order drinks. The barman explains again that he shouldn't serve them, but as the man offers another performance from the octopus, the barman lets him stay. This time the octopus gives a performance on a flute which his owner just happens to keep in his jacket. After the performance the customers in the bar have the same reaction as they did the previous night with the piano; they love the multi-talanted musical octopus. On the third evening the man and his octopus again order drinks, but before the barman can protest, the octopus owner explains that the octopus will yet again give another show-stopping musical performance. This time the chosen instrument will be the bagpipes. However, when the bagpipes are handed to the octopus, the octopus begins to wrestle with the bagpipes and is soon swinging them around the bar, causing untold damage. The barman is horrified at this and orders the man and his octopus out of the bar, so they both leave. In the street outside the bar, the man shakes the octopus with his hands around its neck and says, "Why did you have to do that? Don't you realize I've never been so embarrassed in my life?" When the octopus is able to breathe again, it says, "You've never been so embarrassed? I couldn't even get her skirt off!"

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   A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity getting the better of him, so he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'" "But why?" asks the man. "I'm a divorce lawyer..."

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   What a Woman Says: This place is a mess! C'mon, you and I need to clean up. Your stuff is lying on the floor, and if we don't do laundry right now you'll have no clothes to wear." What a Man Hears: blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON blah, blah, blah, YOU AND I blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES.

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   Вокабулярик

to seal - запечатывать;

to gasp - задыхаться;

to survey - (здесь) узреть;

overwhelming - всепоглощающий, подавляющий, несметный;

strewn - загроможденный;

to dump a load - нагадить;

navel - пупок;

racket - вымогательство;

octopus - осьминог.

Keep laughing!    Jorikus

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