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   Выпуск  46                                Шутки из забугорья                       

Всем большой и толстый привет!!!

   Наконец-то появилось хоть немного времени, дабы посвятить его вам, дорогие читатели. Признаю, что мое молчание вкрай затянулось, посему спешу исправиться. Сегодня у меня припасен выпуск, предназначенный для глаз взрослой части аудитории. Так что дети, идите кушать "Растишку" (или какие-либо эквиваленты), а все остальные - прошу!

   "Man's Useless Parts"

He has an Adams apple that isn't an apple...
Two calves that will never become cows...
A nose bridge that doesn't lead anywhere...
A roof of the mouth that won't cover anything...
Twenty nails that won't hold a board...
A chest that won't hold linen...
Two tits that won't give milk...
Two buns that won't feed anyone...
A belly button that won't button...
Two balls that won't roll...
An ass that won't pull a plow...
An organ that won't play music...
A cock that won't crow...

.....And what are YOU laughing about?!?
You have a pussy that won't catch mice!

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   On July 20, 1969, as commander of the Apollo 11 Lunar Module, Neil Armstrong was the first person to set foot on the moon. His first words after stepping on the moon, "That's one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind," were televised to Earth and heard by millions. But just before he reentered the lander, he made the enigmatic remark: "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky." Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs. Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the "Good luck Mr.Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled. On July 5, 1995, in Tampa Bay, Florida, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question. In 1938 when he was a kid in a small Midwest town, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit a fly ball, which landed in his neighbor's yard by the bedroom windows. His neighbors were Mr. and Mrs. Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky: "Sex! You want sex?! You'll get sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"

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   On their wedding night, Bruce displays his dick to his new blonde virgin bride and tells her it's the only one in the world. She, of course, believes him. He's gone for a conference for a couple of weeks and returns, only to be questioned by his new wife. "Bruce," she says, "I thought you said you had the only one in the world. But Harry at the drug store has one, too." "Well, er," Bruce flusters, "Harry and I were in the war together, I had two, so I gave him one of mine." "Oh. Well, why did you give him the bigger one?"

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   A Mother had 3 virgin daughters. They were all getting married within a short time period. Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt. The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but "Nescafe". Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to the kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said: "Good till the last drop." Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter. The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: "Benson & Hedges". Mom now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes, and she read from the Benson & Hedges pack: "Extra Long. King Size". She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter. The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mom waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived. Written on it with shaky handwriting the words: "British Airways". Mom took out her latest Harper's Bazaar magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for British Airways. The ad said: "Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways." Mom fainted .....

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   Stan got married, but he was too dumb to know what to do on his wedding night. "For God's sake, Stan!" said his bride, "you take that thing you play with and you put it where I pee!" So Stan got up and put his bowling ball in the sink.

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   A man came up to a farmer and said, "Sir, I want to marry your daughter." The farmer said, "Ok, you have to run the field, jump the fence, swim the pond, screw the cow, and then you can marry my daughter." So the man did as he was told. He came back, and the farmer is laughing. "You have to do it one more time, that was the funniest thing I ever saw!" So the man again done as he was told. He came back, and this time the farmer was rolling around on the ground still laughing. "Please, just one more time. After this, I swear, you can have my daughter." So for the third time, the man done as he was told. He came back to the farmer, who was dying laughing. "Ok, you can have my daughter. Welcome to the family, son." "Hell with your daughter, sir. I want your cow!"

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   Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom's the best lay in town!" Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, and the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end. Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just screwed your mom, and it was sweet!" Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar. Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mom liked it!" Finally the guy interrupts. "Go home, Dad... you're drunk!"

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   Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, " You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!" His buddy looks at him and says, " Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes in the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the butt and say, 'You as horny as I am? And, she always acts like she's sound asleep!"

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   After a few years of married life, a man finds that he is unable to perform. He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things but nothing works. Finally the doctor refers him to a shaman. He says: "I can cure this. This is powerful healing, but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say '1-2-3' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!" The guy then asks the shaman: "What happens when it's over?" "All you or your partner has to say is '1234' and it will go down. But be warned; it will not work again for a year!" - the reply follows. The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife with the good news. So, he is lying in bed with her and says: "1-2-3" and suddenly he gets an erection. His wife turns over and says: "What did you say '1-2-3' for?"

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   A Kansas farmer buys several pigs, hoping to breed them. After several weeks, he notices that none of the pigs is getting pregnant and calls a vet for help. The vet tells the farmer that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, he only asks the vet how will how know when the pigs are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will instead lie down and wallow in the mud when they are pregnant. The farmer hangs up and gives this some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means that he has to impregnate the pigs. So he loads the pigs into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all and goes back to bed. Next morning, he wakes and looks out at he pigs. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn't take, and loads them into the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each pig twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes to find the pigs still standing around. One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the pigs and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed. The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the pigs. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the pigs are lying in the mud. "No," she says, "they're all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn."

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   Вокабулярик

calf - теленок, икра (ноги);

plow - плуг;

to coast - спускаться с горы с выключенным двигателем;

to wallow - валяться, барахтаться;

listless - вялый, апатичный.

Keep laughing!    Jorikus

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