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   Выпуск  44                                Шутки из забугорья                       

Доброе время, уважаемые читатели! Приветствую всех тех, кто еще меня помнит, тех, кто ждал этого выпуска рассылки ни на что, а также всех новых читателей, присоединившихся к нашему скромному обществу почитателей англоязычного юмора за время моего вынужденного молчания :0).

Думаю, нет смысла рассказывать о всех зло- и доброключений, выпавших на мою долю за это время. Отмечу лишь, что ситуация вроде как стабилизировалась, и рассылка продолжит свой выход регулярно, однако частота ее выхода уменьшится до 2-3 раз в месяц. К сожалению, придется пойти на этот шаг из-за банальной нехватки времени... Ах, где они, золотые студенческие годы :0)...

Ну да ладно, конец демагогии, да здравствует смех и хорошее настроение пополам со знанием английского :0)!

   While a Texan was busily preparing for the first day of deer hunting season, his wife started nagging that he never asked her to go along. After several hours of arguments, the wife won. That next morning they drove out to the country, and he placed his wife in a tree about 100 yards from his blind. Just as the hunter reached the blind, he heard a loud bang coming from the wife's position. As he ran up to her, he saw that she was holding her gun on a man nearby and shouting, "It's my deer! Get away from it!! The astonished stranger just nodded slowly and said, "OK, lady. It's your deer. Just let me get my saddle off of it!"

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   Fidel dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there, St. Peter tells him that he is not on the list and that no way, no how, does he belong in heaven. Fidel must go to hell. So Fidel goes to hell where Satan gives him a hearty welcome and tells him to make himself at home. Then Fidel notices that he left his luggage in heaven and tells Satan, who says, "No hay problema, I'll send a couple of little devils to get your stuff." When the little devils get to heaven they find the gates are locked - St.Peter is having lunch - and they start debating what to do. Finally, one comes up with the idea that they should go over the wall and get the luggage. As they are climbing the wall, two little angels see them, and one angel says to the other, "My goodness! Fidel has been in hell no more than ten minutes and we're already getting refugees!"

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   A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road at the same time. As they pass each other the woman leans out the window and yells, "PIG!" The man immediately leans out his window and shouts back, "BITCH!" They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road. If only men would listen…

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   A blond woman named Brandi finds herself in dire trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in serious financial trouble. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray..."God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto." Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it. Brandi again prays... "God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well." Lotto night comes and Brandi still has no luck. Once again, she prays... "My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order." Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Brandi is confronted by the voice of God Himself: "Brandi, Buy a fucking ticket!!!"

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   An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a stay-over in another city. Upon their arrival the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight. The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened to her. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?" The stewardess replied, "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

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   A man was leaving a 7-11 with his morning coffee and newspaper when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a pitbull on a leash. Behind him were 200 men walking single file. The guy couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said "Sir, I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?" The man replied "Well, that first hearse is for my wife." "What happened to her?" The man replied "My dog attacked and killed her." He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?" The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her." A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men. "Sir, could I borrow that dog?" "Get in line…"

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   Two dumb guys were in an alley shooting drugs, and using the same needle. A man walked by on the street and yelled, "You idiots! Don't you know about AIDS?!" One of the guys replied, "Of course we do! But it won't affect us, we're both wearing condoms!"

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   A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was covered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?" "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man." the priest said. "Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?" "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

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   An Army major, was conducting a field test when communications went dead, which according to Murphy's Law is a sure indication that an important message was being transmitted.He jumped into a jeep and ordered a sergeant to drive him to the command station as fast as possible. Sure enough, when the major and the sergeant ran inside the headquarter; a group of people waiting there cheered their arrival. The commanding officer then stepped forward and shook the major's hand. "Don't congratulate me, sir," the major said modestly as he pointed to his driver. "It was all the sergeant's doing." The commanding officer nodded and turned to the sergeant. "Congratulations," he said. "The major's wife just had a baby girl."

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   A truck driver who had been delivering radioactive waste for the local reactor begins to feel sick after a few years on the job. He decided to seek compensation for his ailment. Upon his arrival at the workers' compensation department, he is interviewed by an assessor.
Assessor: I see you work with radio-active materials and wish to claim compensation.
Trucker: Yeah, I feel really sick.
Assessor: Alright then, Does your employer take measures to protect you from radiation poisoning?
Trucker: Yeah, he gives me a lead suit to wear on the job.
Assessor: And what about the cabin in which you drive?
Trucker: Oh yeah. That's lead lined, all lead lined.
Assessor: What about the waste itself? Where is that kept?
Trucker: Oh, the stuff is held in a lead container, all lead.
Assessor: Let me see if I get this straight. You wear a lead suit, sit in a lead-lined cabin and the radio-active waste is kept in a lead container.
Trucker: Yeah, that's right. All lead.
Assessor: Then I can't see how you could claim against him for radiation poisoning.
Trucker: I'm not. I'm claiming for lead poisoning.

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   Вокабулярик

to nag - ныть, ворчать;

to saddle off - расседлать;

a refugee - беженец;

steep - крутой;

a hearse - катафалк;

poignant - горький, мучительный;

a contempt - неуважение, презрение;

to nudge - слегка подтолкнуть;

an assessor - консультант;

lead (сущ.) - свинец.

Keep laughing!    Jorikus

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