Всем огромный привет!

   Так уж сложилось, что по долгу службы я опять убываю в заграничные дали на 3 недели, поэтому, естественно, не буду иметь возможности общаться с вами, уважаемые подписчики. Так что, в виде компенсации, прошу любить и жаловать сей мегавыпуск рассылочки :0) Приятного чтения и до скорой встречи через 3 недели!

   A little old lady went to the grocery store and put the most expensive cat food in her basket. She then went to the checkout counter where she told the check out girl. "Nothing but the best for my little kitten. "The girl at the cash register said, "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat." The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back to the store. They sold her the cat food. The next day, the old lady went to the store and bought 12 of the most expensive dog cookies -- one for each day of Christmas. The cashier this time demanded proof that she now had a dog, claiming that old people sometimes eat dog food. Frustrated she went home, came back and brought in her dog. She was then given the dog cookies. The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid. The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. So she put her finger into the box and pulled it out and told the little old lady, "That smells like crap." The little old lady grinned from ear to ear, "Now, my dear, can I please buy three rolls of toilet paper?"

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   A U.S. Postal Service mail carrier was making his rounds. He had a special-delivery package that had to be delivered in person, so he went up to the door. A woman answered, signed for the package, and took it. The mail carrier spotted a snail on the ground near him. He stomped on the snail, yelling, "Die, you little sucker, die!" and ground the snail with his heel. The woman asked, "Why did you just kill that snail?" The mail carrier replied, "That little bastard has been following me around all day!"

   I had just moved into a new apartment and was having problems with the mailman, who was delivering the previous tenant's mail to my address. Hoping to resolve the situation, I enlarged my name on the mailbox, but he still kept giving me the wrong letters. Finally, I left a note saying that he was delivering the mail incorrectly. The next day I went to the box to find this addition to my message: "Sir, I am delivering the mail correctly. You're just living at the wrong address."

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   Two idiots were hunting in the woods when they lost their way. Elliot had read that when lost, you fire three times in the air and help will come. So he did. Nothing happened. An hour later he fired three more times. After another hour his friend told him to try a third time. "Okay," said Elliot, "but we're almost out of arrows."

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   A doctor sees the old man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm! The next time the old man had an appointment, the doc says, "You're really doing great, aren't you?" "Just doing what you told me, Doctor. Get a hot mamma and be cheerful." "I didn't say that... I said, you've got a heart murmur, be careful..."

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   "The Good - The Bad - And The Ugly!!!!"

Good: Your wife is pregnant.
Bad: It's triplets
Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago

Good: Your wife's not talking to you
Bad: She wants a divorce
Ugly: She's a lawyer

Good: Your son is finally maturing
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door
Ugly: So are you

Good: Your son studies a lot in his room
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there
Ugly: You're in them

Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills
Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them

Good: Your husband understands fashion
Bad: He's a cross-dresser
Ugly: He looks better than you

Good: You give the "birds and bees" talk to your daughter
Bad: She keeps interrupting
Ugly: With corrections

Good: The postman's early
Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying a shotgun
Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas

Good: Your son is dating someone new
Bad: It's another man
Ugly: He's your best friend

Good: Your daughter got a new job
Bad: As a hooker
Ugly: Your coworkers are her best clients
Super Ugly: She makes more money than you do

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   A young woman was having a physical examination and was very embarrassed because of a weight problem. As she removed her last bit of clothing, she blushed. "I'm so ashamed, Doctor," she said, "I guess I let myself go." The physician was checking her eyes and ears. "Don't feel ashamed, Miss. You don't look that bad." "Do you really think so, Doctor?" she asked. The doctor held a tongue depressor in front of her face and said, "Of course. Now just open your mouth and say moo."

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   Two church members were going door to door, and knocked on the door of a woman who was not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their message and slammed the door in their faces. To her surprise, however, the door did not close and, in fact, bounced back open. She tried again, really put her back into it, and slammed the door again with the same result - the door bounced back open. Convinced these rude young people were sticking their foot in the door, she reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a lesson, when one of them said: "Ma'am, before you do that again you need to move your cat."

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   A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mail box. She opened it, then slammed it shut, and stormed back in the house. A little later she came out of her house and again went to the mail box and again opened it, then slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever. Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?" To which she replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps giving me a message saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL!"

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   The skydiving instructor was going through the question and answer period with his new students when one of them asked the usual question always asked: "If our chute doesn't open; and the reserve doesn't open, how long would we have till we hit the ground?" The jump master looked at him and in perfect deadpan answered:"The rest of your life."

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   An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a 3-day pass. The CO says "Are you crazy? You just join the Israeli army, and you already want a 3-day pass? You must do something spectacular for that recognition!" So the soldier comes back a day later in an Arab tank! The CO was so impressed, he asked, "How did you do it?" "Well, I jumped in a tank, and went toward the border with the Arabs. I approached the border, and saw an Arab tank. I put my white flag up, the Arab tank put his white flag up. I said to the Arab soldier, "Do you want to get a 3-day pass? So we exchanged tanks!"

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   A big, mean guy approaches the Produce Clerk demanding, "I want a half head of lettuce!" The clerk goes to the manager & says, "Some big idiot wants a half head of lettuce..." He looks over his shoulder & the customer is right behind him. "...And THIS gentleman would like the other half." After taking care of the customer, the manager says, "You're quick on your feet. We need enterprising young people like you who can roll with the punches. How would you like to manage one of our new locations in Canada?" To this the young clerk replies, "Only whores and hockey players live in Canada!" The manager responds, "My wife is Canadian!" The young clerk replies, "And what position does she play?"

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   After discovering her young daughter playing doctor with the neighbor's boy, the angry mother grabbed the boy by the ear and dragged him to his house and confronted his mother. "It's only natural for young boys and girls to explore their sexuality by playing doctor at their age." the neighbor said. "Sexuality my foot!" The mother yelled. "He took out her appendix!"

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   A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, tells him she'll see him later, and walks away. His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that??!!" "Oh," replies the husband, "that was my mistress." The wife says, "That's it; I want a divorce." "I understand," replies her husband, "but, remember, if you get a divorce, there will be no more shopping trips to Paris, no wintering in the Caribbean, no Infinity or Lexus in the garage, and no more Country Club. But the decision is yours." Just then the wife notices a mutual friend entering the restaurant with gorgeous woman. "Who's that woman with Jim? " she asks. "That's his mistress," replies her husband. ... "Ours is prettier," says the wife.

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   An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time. "I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings." "That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?" ... "The guy was your doctor."

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   There's a little fellow named Junior who hangs out at Tim Alley's Grocery Store. The owner Tim doesn't know what Junior's problem is, but the boys like to tease him. They say he is a little bit nuts. To prove it, sometimes they offer Junior his choice between a nickel and a dime. He always takes the nickel, they say, because it's bigger. One day after Junior grabbed the nickel, Tim got him off to one side and said, "Junior, those boys are making fun of you. They think you don't know the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel because it's bigger, or what?" ... Junior said, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd quit doing it!"

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   A minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike one day. It was very hot. They were sweating and exhausted when they came upon a small lake. Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped in the water. Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their "freedom." As they were crossing an open area a group of ladies were coming from town. Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover. After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his privates. The rabbi replied, "I don't know about you, but in MY congregation, it's my face they would recognize."

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   A couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her. So the captain sent the man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the man got a fax from the boat. It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and inside it was a pearl worth $50,000. Please advise." The man faxed back: "Send me the pearl... and re-bait the trap."

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   A career military man, who had retired as a corporal, was telling the younger men how he handled officers during his years of service. "It didn't matter a hoot if he was a Major General, an Admiral, or the Commander-in-Chief. I always told those guys exactly where to get off." "Wow, you musta been something," the admiring young soldiers remarked. "What was your job in the service?" "Elevator operator in the Pentagon."

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   A criminal lawyer, Robinson was notorious for finding the little loopholes that won him acquittals even in the most difficult circumstances. So it was he that Milliken hired when he was accused of grand theft auto. And it was Milliken who walked out of the courtroom a free man, after a lengthy trial and some brilliant footwork on Robinson's part. The very next day Milliken appeared in the chambers of the judge who had presided over his trial and demanded a warrant for Robinson's arrest. "Why on Earth do you want him arrested?" asked the judge. "He got you off, didn't he?" "Yeah," conceded Milliken, "but when I didn't have enough money to pay his fee, the son-of-a-gun drove off in that car I stole!"

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