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Funny stuff from USA
Little David comes home from first grade and tells his
father that they learned about the history of Valentine's
Day. "Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and
we're Jewish," he asks, "will God get mad at me for giving
someone a valentine?"
David's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think
God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?"
"Osama Bin Laden," David says.
"Why Osama Bin Laden," his father asks in shock.
"Well," David says, "I thought that if a little American
Jewish boy could have enough love to give Osama a valentine,
he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and
maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids
saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love
everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the
place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he
didn't hate anyone anymore."
His father's heart swells and he looks at his boy with
newfound pride. "David, that's the most wonderful thing
I've ever heard."
"I know," David says, "and once that gets him out in the
open, the Marines could blow the shit out of him!"
"Cat Quotes"
"If you play with a cat, you must not mind her
scratch."
-- Yiddish Proverb
"In a cat's eye, all things belong to cats."
-- English proverb
"You will always be lucky if you know how to
make friends with strange cats."
-- Colonial American proverb
"There are many intelligent species in the universe.
They are all owned by cats."
-- Anonymous
"Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe
they are G-d."
-- Anonymous
"Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped
as g-ds. Cats have never forgotten this."
-- Anonymous
"Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they
are subtle and will pee on your computer."
-- Anonymous
"CAT (n): 1. Furry keyboard cover 2. Alarm clock"
-- Anonymous
"There is no snooze button on a cat who wants
breakfast."
-- Anonymous
"This house is owned & operated solely for the
comfort & convenience of the CATS!"
-- Anonymous
"I got rid of my husband. The cat was allergic."
-- Anonymous
"My husband said it was him or the cat ... I miss
him sometimes."
-- Anonymous
"Time spent with cats is never wasted."
-- Anonymous
"No heaven will not ever Heaven be; Unless my
cats are there to welcome me."
-- Anonymous
A cargo plane is in mid-flight over the ocean when suddenly
the cockpit door burst open to reveal an armed, Iraqi
hijacker to a startled pilot, copilot, navigator, and
stewardess.
He held a gun to the pilot's head and said, "Take this plane
to Iraq or I'm going to spill your brains all over the place."
The pilot calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside and said,
"Look buddy, if you shoot me this plane will crash right into
the sea and you'll die along with the rest of us."
The hijacker thought about it, then held the gun to the
copilot's head and said, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm
going to spill HIS brains all over the place."
The copilot also calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside and
said, "Listen to me. The pilot's got a bad heart and he could
keel over at the shock of my being killed. So if you shoot me,
this plane will still crash right into the sea and you'll die
along with the rest of us."
The hijacker thought about it for a moment and then held the
gun to the navigator's head and repeated, "Take this plane to
Iraq or I'm gonna spill HIS brains all over the place." The
navigator calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside and said,
"I wouldn't do that if I were you. Those other two guys have
no sense of direction. Without me they couldn't find their
way out of a paper bag much less get this plane to Iraq. So
if you shoot me, this plane will still crash right into the
sea and you'll die along with the rest of us."
The hijacker thought some more, shrugged and this time held
the gun to the stewardess's head and demanded, "Take this plane
to Iraq or I'm gonna spill HER brains all over the place."
No one says a word, but the stewardess leaned over and whisper-
ed something into the hijacker's ear. He turned beet red,
dropped his gun, and ran out of the cockpit in a panic.
The crew tracked down the hijacker, who was found cowering
behind some crates in the hold, and tied him up. The pilot
then asked the stewardess what she said that terrified the
man so. "I told him, sir," she replied, "that if he killed
me, he'd be the one who'd have to give you guys your blowjobs!"
An Arab diplomat visiting the US for the first time was
being wined and dined by the State Department. The Grand
Emir was unused to the salt in American foods (French
fries, cheeses, salami, anchovies etc.), and was constantly
sending his man-servant Abdullah to fetch him a glass of
water.
Time and again, Abdullah would scamper off and return with
a glass of water, but then came the time when he returned
empty-handed.
"Abdullah, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water?"
demanded the Grand Emir.
"A thousand pardons, oh Illustrious One," stammered the
wretched Abdullah. "Infidel sit on well."
A man from Saudi Arabia named Abdul was bragging that in his
country there are 79 different ways to make mad passionate
love.
A gent from Florida listened incredulously. "Why that's
amazing. Where I come from there's only one way."
"Just one?" Abdul asked. "And which way is that?"
"Well," the Florida gent began, "there's a man and there's a
woman."
"Praise Allah!!" exclaims Abdul, "Number 80!"
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Zealus.com - веб-хостинг, дизайн и программные решения.
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